Facing Routine Fear

I recently went for my routine annual mammogram and sonogram. Like clockwork, these appointments come and go every year without causing much of a stir, except some elevated fear until I can let out a sigh of relief that I am clear. Yet, this time around, something felt different. I was in a new state, a new office with a new doctor.

My mammogram proceeded as usual—positioned awkwardly, holding my breath for what seemed like an eternity while the machine captured images. It all went fine, and I even made a lighthearted comment about ensuring they got all the necessary pictures of where my tumor and clips where. It was my way of diffusing tension and trying to maintain a positive attitude.

Then came the sonogram, the next part of the process for those at risk or who have had breast cancer. The technician meticulously scanned both breasts until she reached the left side of my left breast. Suddenly, her demeanor shifted. She probed deeper, asking repeatedly if I felt any numbness. Confused, I inquired about the significance of this, only to be informed that the doctor would discuss it with me shortly. That word—numb—resonated in my mind. Yes, it did feel numb.

As she continued, her focus intensified, especially on that particular side, and she took what seemed like an endless stream of images. I couldn’t help but notice the concern etched across her face. With each passing moment, my mind raced from a state of relaxation—akin to preparing for a massage—to a whirlwind of apprehension. The thought of having cancer again loomed ominously. I began envisioning life in our new home, trying to fathom what it would be like dealing with a cancer diagnosis. Fear took hold, and I found myself mentally preparing for the worst. The sense of impending doom crept in, and I was terrified.

In that moment, the ordinary, routine medical appointment transformed into a realm of uncertainties, and the fear of a potential cancer diagnosis became overwhelming. The wait for the doctor felt like an eternity, and my mind wandered through scenarios I never wanted to consider.

Fear has a way of magnifying the unknown, making each passing second feel like an eternity. It’s in these moments that time seems to stand still, and the future becomes an ominous blur.

I write this not to dwell on the fear, but to acknowledge its presence—the raw, visceral emotion that arises when faced with uncertainty. It’s a reminder that even routine check-ups can trigger a flood of emotions and uncertainty that one may not anticipate.

As I awaited the doctor’s arrival, I grappled with the fear of what lay ahead. The journey through these medical procedures turned from a routine check-up into a battle with fear and apprehension. It’s a reminder of the fragility of life and the power that fear holds in altering our perceptions in an instant.

No matter the outcome, the journey through these moments of fear and uncertainty strengthens our resolve and underscores the value of cherishing every moment we have.

In the realm of health, fear can be a formidable opponent. Yet, it’s the courage to confront it that shapes our resilience and defines our journey.

I often have young women tell me that they have not scheduled their first mammogram because they are scared of finding something. I always tell them, if there is anything and you find it early, it can mean the difference between life and death. PLEASE, PLEASE get screened! I can now breathe again, knowing I am clear. I even got a rose from the Dr.!